12 days of work

I’ve kinda lost the mojo to write.

There have been some pockets of time which I could have spent writing, such as during the commute to work, such as lunchtime, such as the Grab ride home, such as the time after Clarissa sleeps and before Allie takes her dream feed.

But I’ve largely spent them online shopping and mindlessly surfing and reading stuff, or staring into space.

Online shopping for clothes is mostly a fruitless effort because I’d buy, receive the items, and then return them.

Too busy to shop, too fat to fit.

Sometimes I feel exhausted but reluctant to sleep because it’s my me-time and the only time I get to zone out.

Sometimes I’m so exhausted I doze off with the phone in my hand.

And then I sleep, but wake up in the middle of the night anyway, because Allie hasn’t been sleeping well.

I mostly feel ok during the day.

It might be because of the adrenaline rush at work, literally. It might be because the workload hasn’t come at full force yet.

But it’s mostly a nice feeling, that it’s all coming back to me. I feel new, and not-so new.

I’ll check in on myself again a month from now.

The girls have been doing well.

I usually reach home when the girls are in the midst of dinner, after which I’d get to 左拥右抱 for a little while before I shower the big one and the small one goes to bed.

I worked from home yesterday the first time and this little one refused to be in the playpen for the first part of the morning.

She’d cry and there were real tears. 😂

And once I carried her out of the playpen she’d give me a triumphant half smile like this before breaking out into her usual megawatt smile.

Our helper took over to entertain her because I had to work.

It got better in the afternoon after her nap.

She would look at me from the playpen while I worked.

Whenever I turned to look at her, she’d smile happily or even chuckle before going back to her buffet.

Yeah, buffet of toys and anything in the playpen to be put into her mouth. 🙊🙊

She’s been very interactive and playful! She’s also getting more vocal about her needs.

One morning, her Jiejie came into the room while she was still in the sarong. She made a little sound and Jiejie said to me, “Mummy, Meimei is awake!”

I asked Jiejie to lie down to drink her milk first and continued lying down because I was exhausted.

“It’s ok,” I said to Jiejie. “Let her lie in the sarong for a while more.”

And then Allie let out a really loud “Ahhh!”, as if to protest and remind me, “Hey I’m awake! Carry me!”

I also got to pick Clarissa up from the school bus, which made her really pleased.

She had a field trip to a farm and came home with eggs.. And two bites on her face.

Sigh, she is really allergic to bites.

By bedtime the bites were visibly swollen and when I got home today her left cheek was 1.5 times the size of her right cheek.

She’s been quite a darling, eating on her own, and taking care of her sister.

The two girls would sometimes hold hands through the playpen mesh and whisper to each other? Lol.

Jiejie would be quite strict too, scolding Meimei whenever she tried to eat the high chair buckle.. and the table. 😂

So the daily routine seems to be working so far.

I’m not sure how it’d be like when the full workload sets in. I’ll probably have to work after the girls sleep.

Still trying to figure out Allie’s sleep pattern.

She’s always been quite a difficult baby when it comes to feeding. She’d bite the teat and play with it for a looong time before she starts drinking. Sometimes it takes her up to 30 minutes to finish a 120ml bottle.

Yet when she starts drinking properly she could finish it in less than 5 minutes.

Night feeds are hard too, because she’d either take a long time to start drinking or flat out refuse to drink.

It takes a lot of patience to feed her, in general and especially at night.

I remember dropping the dream feed for Clarissa only when she was about 10 months old? She’d also started rejecting the feed but could sleep through till 6am.

So I’m not sure if Allie is ready to drop this dream feed. As it is, she has been randomly waking up at 1am, 2am, 5am.. dream feed or not.

It’s so hard to read her.

I guess we’ll try to drop it for a few nights and see how it goes.

I feel so weary sometimes I don’t know what to feel anymore.