Wednesday

The hubs was out playing basketball that night.

So the little boss sat beside me while I pumped.

Better this way, than to ask the helper to play with her since 1) she will still come in eventually and 2) helper will disappear into the kitchen at some point. And I'd have to take cover when she swings the room door open.

So anyway she drew this on her own and told me she'd like to put it up on the fridge later for Daddy to see.

I asked her what she drew, and she said, "This is called Happy Clarissa."

šŸ˜‚šŸ˜‚šŸ˜‚

I see no link whatsoever but after I finished pumping we went to the kitchen together, and she put this up very carefully on the fridge.

I guess she might be a good abstract artist when she grows up. šŸ¤£

We watched a bit of TV together, sharing the same pillow.

Had a short video call with Daddy before we prepared for bedtime.

She slept in our room that night, after 2 stories of finding nemo and finding dory, and despite Meimei's "eh eh eh" in the background.

Thursday

She came home from school and had a small piece of cake Ah-gong bought before joining me in the room, because I had to pump.

I let her watch a Peppa Pig video while I pumped.

When I was done, we took out her toys to play together in bed because my tummy was all wrapped up and I was feeling so hot and uncomfortable.

She got upset with me for refusing to do something she wanted me to.. And thus began tantrums and a long standoff.

Dinner time for her came and she refused to go for her dinner.

I tried talking to her, nicely, firmly, nothing worked.

I was getting quite frustrated with the wrap, my sticky hair, the heat, her unexplained stubbornness.. And so I went to take a shower. Got changed. Dried my hair.

It was quiet so I thought she'd left the room.

But as I walked to the door I realised she was lying flat on the floor, sulking.

I asked her again, as nicely as I could, to go for her dinner.

Sat her on my lap and said sorry if I didn't sound nice to her earlier.

But she was still angry and refused to tell me what she was angry with.

So I left the room and let the helper persuade her to have dinner.

Which she did, eventually.

Once she started eating, it was like nothing ever happened.

#toddlerlogic

We have yet to figure Meimei out.

She's been drinking 80ml per feed since 2 days ago. It worked ok on Wednesday but not on Thursday.

Barely slept in the afternoon and was drinking every 2 hours.

She starts crying around 9pm every night.

Diapers clean, AC on.. So is she hungry?

The confinement nanny keeps telling me she wants to bite on something (=pacifier) but I'm not convinced.
I hope I don't need to introduce the pacifier. I think we should give her a change to learn to self soothe?

So Day 13 today, we shall continue to learn and explore.

I'm glad my mum didn't choose those moments to call, because I'd have a hard time trying not to lose my temper.

She was here once when Allie was getting showered and on the same day she called while Allie was getting wiped down.

Both times, Allie was crying because she hates getting cleaned up for some reason.

So my mum, being my mum, kept asking me why.

Why is she crying? Why you let her cry for so long? Wah my heart pain leh. Don't let her cry lah.

I tried to explain to her that the baby hates getting cleaned up.

And she said.. "Then don't wipe! Don't clean!"

"But she just pooped?!" I tried to sound as calm as I could.

Only then she backed off, and said, ok then quickly just clean and wrap her back. Maybe she's cold.

This coming from the same person who tells me, "Don't keep carrying the baby! Once she's full from drinking milk, put her on the bed and she will sleep!"

I said no, she will cry (And later you heart pain – ok I didn't say that šŸ˜‚).

And she looked totally unconvinced and insisted that babies don't need carrying.

Please. Just because I was an easy baby doesn't mean my daughters would be.

I too wish for a baby who can drink on her own and sleep on her own without fussing.

The only thing that stops me from flaring up is the constant reminder to myself that she only means well.

I prefer to avoid conflict.

So to whatever confinement rules she tried to impose (stories another day) on me, I just say yes yes ok yes, and break more than half of them anyway.

I'm on survival and recovery mode.
No capacity for anything else.

Friday

I was so exhausted last night after making Clarissa sleep in her room I dozed off just 5 minutes into watching a show with the hubs.

Woke up at 1145pm to pump.

The next pump was at 315am but I woke up at 230am from Clarissa's cries.

She was sobbing and screaming, "Mummy not here! Never tell the let it go story!"

I managed to calm her down and make her go back to bed. I sat on the mattress beside her bed and she grabbed my hand and hugged it like a bolster.

She eventually fell asleep 30 minutes later, and I went back to lie down in bed for less than 10 minutes before the alarm for the next pump rang.

Got up, picked up the pump, and was about to start pumping when she started crying again.

I went back into her room and promised her I'd be back after I finished pumping.

She said ok, but less than 5 minutes later she opened our room door with tears in her eyes.

So we got her onto our bed and she watched me pump until I was done.

I came back into the room after storing the milk (And spilled about 30ml because I was too tired and missed zzz) and we both slept almost immediately until the next alarm at 645am.

All three of us woke up tired.

I asked her if she had a nightmare.

She said yes.

"I dreamt that Daddy and Mummy are not beside me," she told me in a very small voice.

Well, technically speaking it's not a dream. šŸ˜‚

I wonder what we can do to make her feel more assured that even though we are not always sleeping beside her, she's safe and not alone?

I'm getting very worried about life 2 weeks later.

I forgot how I used to handle a newborn and pumping.

I remember the hubs taking the 9-11pm shifts and me setting alarms for the subsequent feeds, getting up before Clarissa does, to warm up the milk. But gradually she started sleeping beyond the anticipated timing and the milk got cold. šŸ˜‚

But I don't remember setting the alarm to pump? For some strange reason it's blocked out of my memory. I don't remember how I used to do it.

I think I would latch her on and off on a few occasions and more than 80% of the time it turned out to be a disaster and I stopped latching her completely after she turned 3 months old or something.

But I still don't remember when or how I pumped in the middle of the night. šŸ˜‚

Now my biggest fear is both girls waking up at the same time when my boobs also need immediate attention.

Times like this make me feel so anxious and so weary.

Last day of post natal massage today!

I signed up for the package with Postnatal Massage Singapore (yeah that's the name of the company šŸ˜‚), together with the confinement package.

$668 for 8 sessions, and 1 additional "free" session if we post a Facebook review.

I used 2 sessions for prenatal massage, which was good.

So I had 6 +1 sessions left for postnatal.

The massage and therapist are pretty good, perfect for my aching body.

She managed to allievate the pain on my tailbone and back, result of pumping while sitting up straight.

I don't like the wrap šŸ˜‚ because it makes pumping harder than usual, and it's hot and uncomfortable.

But it's for putting my organs back into place šŸ˜… so I try to leave it on for 5-6 hours (they recommend 6-8 hours).

I don't know if it's really effective.

My tummy's shrunk a little, from looking 5 months pregnant to maybe 4 months?

Oh, and the therapist really helped with my engorgement last week, and went overtime trying to unclog my boobs.

No complaints about the sessions.

But glad it's over, because no more uncomfortable wraps, no more trying to work my pump sessions around the massage timings and most importantly, no more having to deal with the customer service officer.

The scheduling was bad to begin with.

She insisted I start last Wednesday and I thought it'd be consecutive sessions including the weekends. I checked with her and she said yes yes yes.

But I found out later that the therapists don't work on weekends.

Which is fine, but that means I'd do 3 sessions and then 2 days' break and then 3 sessions again, when I was under the impression that for best results we should do everything consecutively.

Wouldn't it be better to simply start on Monday?

She'd also done things like calling me at 1130am asking if we could change the appointment to 12pm, and calling me at 230pm to inform me that the 2pm session had to be cancelled because the therapist had gastric pain and was on the way to hospital.

When I asked her about the arrangement for the following day she told me the therapist would be able to make it at the original timing.

Isn't the therapist sick? How can you be sure she'd be able to make it tomorrow?

I asked her.

She did not directly answer my question and said she JUST received a message from the therapist that she'd be fine tomorrow.

It turned out that she totally lied about the gastric pain and hospital visit, because the therapist told me the next day that she wasn't sick.

She sent a replacement therapist that day, but did not ask me about the timing.

Called me and said the replacement would be here from 4-430pm.

I told her I can't make it, because my daughter is coming home from school.

(And also I had to pump, after working around my schedule to make it for the 2pm.)

But she said oh she's on her way already. Does bus no. XX come to my place?

I said I don't know.

She told me not to worry.

Which is my pet peeve about her throughout all our interactions.

She is like a voice machine? She doesn't listen properly and simply dishes out standard responses like "no problem", when I neither asked for help nor said thank you and "not to worry", when I wasn't raising a concern.

I wanted to tell her, excuse me I'm not concerned, I'm pissed off.

I decided to go ahead with the replacement session that day only because it wasn't the therapist's fault that she was summoned and already on her way.

And she also made me utterly confused about my package, telling me it is 7+1 and not 8+1 but later going ahead to rearrange the 9th session.

All in all, not pleasant even though she tried her best to sound sweet and all.

I don't think she understood the situation at all about mummies and schedules.

Anyway I'm just glad I don't have to deal with her anymore.

In even happier news, someone is happy because her Auntie O is here today and playing "swimming" with her!

Thank you for relieving me!

For once I don't have to pump with her watching videos beside me. šŸ˜€

So the hubs read the part about me looking 4 / 5 months pregnant.

"Hmm did you lose weight?" He said and looked at my tummy.

I was expecting him to say, yeah still 4 months pregnant or something like that.

But he said, "č®²ēœŸēš„ļ¼Œęˆ‘č§‰å¾—ä½ ę²”꜉胖čæ‡ć€‚" complete with a rather ę·±ęƒ… look.

And then we both burst out laughing.

I think I rolled my eyes a few times. šŸ™„

Couldn't stop laughing.

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