Angsty again


Awake for 1.5 hours. ๐Ÿ˜ฅ

Both sides of my hips are aching so no matter how I turn or where I turn to (there are only 3 possible options anyway), it hurts.

I'm used to waking up like this in the middle of the night, but still.

First whatsapp message for the day.. from my FIL. ๐Ÿ˜‚

In fact he's been sending me good morning messages every other day for the past 2 weeks.

And I've not responded, except for the mid-autuum festival one because it was a message he wrote and not some poster like this.

Our WhatsApp chats are pretty one-sided.

I send him pictures of Clarissa or messages, and he reads them, but he almost never replies.

He sends me good morning posters, and I see them, but I don't respond either. ๐Ÿ˜‚

I suspect that even if I did reply with a "ๆ—ฉๅฎ‰๏ผŒๆˆ‘3็‚นๅŠๅฐฑ่ตทๆฅไบ†", he wouldn't respond either. ๐Ÿ˜‚

I texted him yesterday to thank him for buying fish and bread for us, plus bonus video of little boss playing karung guni. But as usual, no reply. ๐Ÿ˜…

He came up yesterday afternoon before picking up Clarissa (he usually just calls and our helper goes down) but I didn't know because my room door was closed and I was taking a power nap.

I usually close my room door if I want to rest because my helper always keeps the main door open during the day?

Not many people would walk past our unit except our neighbour, but I don't like the idea that someone outside can possibly see my feet.

So anyway I felt bad for not getting up to greet him, and since he'd asked me before why I wasn't working, I thought oh dear he must be thinking about how lazy his DIL is, sleeping away in broad daylight.

I guess that's the other thing I struggle with this bed rest thing.

That people might just think it's laziness, or wah shiok don't need to work, wah good can sleep during the day (For the record, I can't. My longest nap is an hour max.)

And now that I'm not sure how long it'd stretch I actually feel bad for not being able to return to work? What would my colleagues think?

Afterall women in the past used to ็ง็”ฐand all while heavily pregnant.

Ha, so much for wanting to feel positive just yesterday.

I usually am able to go back to sleep on and off in an hour or so (and wake up every 30 minutes to look at the clock) but it just seems to be a little harder this morning.

Such irony, as a parent I read about sleep training and all, but I sleep worse than (some) babies. ๐Ÿ˜ญ

But I guess, yeah it's good that I don't have to go to work in this state.
*think positive*

Ok, end of middle-of-the-night rant.

Looks like waffle girl needs an earlier bedtime tonight. ๐Ÿ˜…

She has this phlegm for the longest time, which might be causing the designer eye bags.

She hurt her fingers after shower time.

She was playing with the shower screen door and her fingers got *kiaped* (can't find a better English word for this ๐Ÿ˜…) because she placed one hand on the hinge while she closed the door.

Helper was drying her up with the towel and didn't see what she was doing until it was too late.

She cried like crazy. It must have been painful because three of her fingers were all red and swollen.

Hugged her and told her not to play with the door anymore.

She became quite clingy after that.

Refused to let me shower and so I sat down with her to read 2 new books until I was blue in the face.

My sweet colleagues from my previous business unit bought the girls a Peter Rabbit series for the nursery library.

Very colloquial British English – Not easy for a 3 year old to understand.

I read until I was breathless because I was sitting up and she was asking a lot of questions. ๐Ÿ˜‚

Had to translate from cheem English to simple English.

I took a shower while she was having dinner.

I had mine after she was done. But she stood beside me the entire time.. to poop. She even asked me to hold her hand.

Since the last successful toilet bowl attempt she has stopped using the toilet bowl to poop or pee.

I'd always ask her if she'd like to use the toilet bowl but she'd tell me she wants to stand and poop in the diaper.

Maybe I jinxed it by writing about it. ๐Ÿ™

No more poop stories ok!

I've written my to-do list for today and tomorrow.

For today it's mostly the more trivial / admin stuff like updating my hospitalisation leave and doing claims.

Not on the list but also completed, was tweezing and trimming my eyebrows wtf.

Was contemplating if I should make a appointment with Browhaus near our place but I guess it was too troublesome.

I did that when I was pregnant with Clarissa and had already started my leave.

I took leave 3 weeks before EDD thinking she'd be early but she came 3 days after EDD.

So I had a lot of time – I was mostly at home but I went for my last eyebrow trimming appointment, got a haircut, went for facial and prenatal massages.

I was very heavily pregnant by then, and had the same hip joint problem.. But I was still mobile – at least I could waddle. ๐Ÿ˜‚

But this time round it feels so different.

I feel awkward asking my helper to buy lunch for me, even though she was also getting it for herself and she didn't seem to mind.

I guess deep inside I think xbb is playing a prank by threatening to come out early.. But would end up like her sister, going past EDD.

And my fear is not knowing what to do with myself.

My mom called me this evening and said she thinks xbb would be a cheeky one like Clarissa.

Something about the night I was admitted being Andy Lau's birthday and the next day was my Chinese birthday.

= Don't know what's the link again but it's ok. ๐Ÿ˜‚

My mum's point was, xbb was teasing me about coming out early but she'd probably stay until 40w like her sister.

Aye I don't know what to think of her prediction, but she said she would get lunch for me tomorrow so I'm grateful. ๐Ÿ˜…

Lunch can be stressful or expensive because sometimes I end up using deliveroo which costs $16 at minimum for 2 – minimum order of $12.50 and delivery fee of $3.50.

Whatever I save on Grab / Comfort, I spend on Deliveroo and online shopping, though it's mostly groceries and supplies for the big baby and small baby.

Also wondering if I should get a better hair dryer for the confinement period.

I'm planning to wash my hair everyday, like I did the previous time but the hair drying part is so tedious and hot.

I remember it made me quite mad because whatever nice cooling effect post shower was cancelled out by the hot hair drying process.

Eyeing the Dyson hair dryer but it's so expensive.

I'm also wondering if I should start buying storage containers for breast milk.

I've had a horrible experience with 6 mastitis attacks over 8 months, and was exclusively pumping because we both just couldn't get the latching/bonding thing.

I wonder how it would go this time, but I've kinda decided not to be too hard on myself. (Someone please remind me if I forget.)

We've already bought a small tin of formula milk to tide over the first 1-2 weeks when supply might be low.

I don't mind exclusively pumping since it gives me more control knowing how much the baby drinks, and also allows others to help with the feeding sometimes.

But of course it's super troublesome and tiring.

To be honest, this breastfeeding/pumping business still sends shivers down my spine.

I have a target in mind but I'm not going to write about it in case I jinx it.

I'll just try my best.

What really irks me though, is the pressure put on mums to breastfeed.

Most of us, after going through the pregnancy and labour process, would want to continue doing our best for our child.

Of course, what's "best" differs from mum to mum, but please trust that we wouldn't knowingly do bad things.

When I tried to do research on infant milk formula, I could find nothing.

All brand websites have content only from Stage 2 (6m) onward. Some even go as far as to include a pop-up reminder about WHO's recommendation to breastfeed for at least 6 months.

When I tried to buy Stage 1 formula from major retailers online, there was none available.

Is there some kind of conspiracy to deter mums from buying formula milk for their newborn?

If so, why? Why do mums need to be deterred? Why is there a need to limit availability of information and distribution?

Can't we be trusted to make informed decisions?

I wouldn't choose to do formula just because I can easily buy it online, right?

I sometimes wonder how society has evolved to this state, to be so judgemental and obstinate about having just a single point of view.

I want the best for my kids so I'll breastfeed/pump as much as I can, but giving them formula does not make me a bad mum please.

After so long this still makes me so riled up. ๐Ÿ˜‚

Breastfeeding has become such a sensitive thing, almost a raw nerve, when it shouldn't be the case.