..my dear friends, you, you, you and you for all the encouragement and support.
My dad did not go for the bypass surgery today.
To be very objective, it was both our fault, and the hospital’s fault.
When my dad decided to go for the operation last Friday, my only thought was that since he has decided on it, my duty as a daughter would be to support his decision and be there for him both before and after the surgery.
Moreover, I spoke to two of the doctors and I really believed that since it is their recommendation, it must be the best option for my dad.
But of course, my mom had other thoughts about it. And it was made worse when she heard about the 2,304,203 other cases where the patients did not go through the bypass but lasted for more than 10 years, blah blah blah.
In fact she was very convinced that even if the surgery turned out to be successful, my dad would not be able to take it because he is weak, diabetic and blah blah blah.
The stories changed everyday. On Friday she was scared. On Saturday she heard a case about her co-worker who went for the op and was up and running about in 5 days. On Sunday she decided that her co-worker recovered fast enough because he is an active person, and my dad wouldn’t make it since he is nuah by nature. On Monday, she was convinced that he should go for the ‘balloon’ treatment even though his two blood vessels are 100% and 99% clogged.
Basically she practised very selective listening and simply refused to listen to anything else.
The hospital handled it badly too. Firstly, we did not get to see the surgeon in charge. I know it is partly because my dad insisted to be discharged last Fri, even though I wanted him to stay for another night and bring him home on Saturday morning, because it’d at least give us some time to talk to the doctor last Fri.
But when my dad was re-admitted yesterday in preparation of the surgery, we still did not see any surgeon or doctor in charge. We were supposed to attend a briefing on the op, but it turned out that it was only a video, and the doctor who was supposed to show up couldn’t make it because of an emergency surgery.
The nurse told us to go back at 7am this morning to catch the doctor.
We did, but it was only 9am when we finally met the doctor (read: op is supposed to take place at 11am).
Naturally, we couldn’t go ahead with the surgery by the time we finished talking to the doctor.
Though my very confused mom said at 10am – “so do we still have time to go for the op at 11?”.
After all the hoo-ha, we were referred to the cardiologist for a 3rd opinion.
We’d know the final recommendation by tomorrow.
So, I tried to do a post-motem with my family about what happened, and what to do next.
I thought the issue was that we didn’t fully understand the situation and that led my mom to come up with all sorts of other solutions, and my dad to be confused, and thus the surgery cannot go on as planned because everyone’s confidence was shaken.
I wanted to ensure that after we hear from the doctor tomorrow, we’d all understand what the solution would be and WHY the doctors made such a recommendation. It is important for all of us to know that, so that the same thing would not happen again, and we’d all be in full support of the decision and my dad can have a better mental preparation for whichever surgery he has to go through.
But of course my mom didn’t take what I said very well.
She thought I was accusing her of swaying my dad’s decision/confidence, and that I was just eager for my dad to go for the op, and that’s it. She said it is easy for me, because I am not going to be the one taking care of him, and eventually I would just get married and turn away from the family and she would be the only one taking care of my dad. According to her it is really easy for us because all we have to do is show up and there’s nothing else we need to do.
She even said she would not turn up at the hospital tomorrow, since we can make the decision ourselves.
I was really angry when she said what she said.
Honestly I do not know what I have done to deserve such a comment. Do I really look like the sort who would just turn away from my family? Or am I really not doing enough?
I am so tired, confused, sick and frustrated that I wish I can escape to somewhere and never come back. But I am still here, and I am not going anywhere. Do I really deserve such hurtful words?
I didn’t even dare to tell her how tired I was. Or how tiring it is to talk to someone who doesn’t want to listen, who believes in her own judgment over professional advice.
It is not as if I was very eager to let my dad go for the op, and not care about what happens after that. I am worried too, but I am trying my best to keep myself going.
I am just at a lost for words now.
I just hope that tomorrow would be a better day.